sowing reapingLet it die . . .

John 12:23-25
Jesus replied, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. 24 Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. 25 Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

This phrase, “Let it die . . .” has had a grip upon me for the past 2 weeks. It has challenged and confronted me in my most wounded places. It has charged me to “let IT die . . .” I believe the Spirit of God has been confronting me about things in my life which need to die. I was deeply and brutally betrayed in my first marriage for over 4 years. I have gone back to those years of betrayal in my mind over and over and over again. I have nursed wounds and questioned again and again how God could allow it. The consequences of being repeatedly betrayed I deal with on a daily basis. My kids are tossed between two homes and I grieve very deeply when they are not with me. I have clung to this pain and it has been my constant companion since the moment I learned of being betrayed in March 2004. I was so convicted recently to write down the things I needed to let die I had to pull over when I was driving in traffic. I believe this is beyond grief, beyond anger, beyond even choosing forgiveness. It is placing these things in the bin reserved for dead things. What do I need to do? Here are my notes:

Grieve it, weep and be angry and then I must CHOOSE to let it die . . .What needs to die?
broken dreams
what if’s . . .
deep hurts
being slandered

I have come to peace about this and daily I say to myself “let it die” as these thoughts come to mind again and again. It has nothing to do with whether my ex has changed, is remorseful or whatever she is doing. It is completely and totally between me and God. “Let it die . . .” I believe until I let it die, I cannot be free and God will not fully do a new and living work in and through me. I have a wonderful and blessed marriage now and for us to flourish I must let these things die.

Letting it die is so hard. It is a dying daily and allowing God to take the pain, the hurt, the anger, the anguish, and the consequences of someone else’s sinful decisions. If I die to sin so I can be ALIVE with Christ, my desires and my pain behinds to die. Being dead to myself, what reaction does a dead man have? By letting those things die within me, I am allowing God to take control of my life and make room for His AWESOME power within me.